dear jordan,

thank you.

not even those times when i found you asleep as i came home. not even those nights when you drove me down 41, numb to how close we would become. not even that day you called me from russia and i was in the elevator. not even the minute i cried when you hung up. or those days when we laid at the beach. none of them compare to this. this feeling that i finally found you. this sudden closeness that has rushed through my heart and around my body. as if you were standing inches from me. and as if you always had been, but i had never noticed. i loved you. i forgave you. i released.

and i realized that for the past months, no one has cared with as much passion and grace as you have. you have done everything for me. for the past few months, i had listened. but until now, i hadn't heard you. i want to hear more. and more. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for the hard times i give you. you're doing so much good in such a great way, and it was difficult to acknowledge and it was truly a fight to push through. but i feel free now. i want to hear.

i understand if this apology has come too late for you, but please forgive me. there is hardly anything better in my life than your commitment to our relationship. i never want to lose you again, and i know i won't. thank you for staying with me, jordan. i'm so happy. i love you so much. from the bottom and the top of my heart, i wish you a happy holiday and a wonderful new year. let's share our resolutions?

paolo

@jordancclark

How many pop artists have released Christmas songs (or even albums) and maintained their integrity?

Mariah Carey
Christina Aguilera
Dean Martin
Louis Armstrong
Ella Fitzgerald
Bing Crosby
The Flaming Lips
Death Cab for Cutie
Mogwai
Yo La Tengo
Coldplay
Hall and Oates
Stevie Wonder
Roy Orbison
Sufjan Stevens
The Beach Boys
The Jackson 5
Dion
Air Supply
Cyndi Lauper
Luther Vandross
Al Green
Elvis
Belle and Sebastian
Queen
Fats Domino
The Four Seasons
The Temptations
The Supremes
Frank Sinatra
Johnny Cash
George Harrison
John Lennon
Charlie Brown

Questionable:
N*SYNC
Ringo Starr
The Polyphonic Spree

Probably not:
Paul McCartney
Toni Braxton

vote for rory

as i was saying earlier, nothing makes me more excited about hockey than hockey-related stories irrelevant to the actual game. this story is old, but i recognized it from last year, as i was reading a more current voting-related article. i wanted to know what you thought about them, since you always like to remind me that hockey and d.c. area football still exist. good luck tonight. norris and i will be watching, holding our breath.

actually

this is how i'm feeling

snow please

i didn't think it was the right time for those ads. i wanted to live in text for the time being.

the forecast says it might snow tonight. i packed myself up in my bed for the rest of the day and i am here waiting. i'm drinking coffee and reading things on my computer, listening to music, listening for songs to put on my next playlist for you. this time between fall and between winter is giving me a chance to see the past and see the future. i can afford to lose regard for the present as i am in a safe and warm place, needing only myself.

i thought about you in the office, and what it would look like. i like to make up dull scenarios for your day at work. i've been imagining you and your life outside of my correspondence. i hope you're safe and warm like me.

full

i thought
you should be the first
one i showed this to

waves

i'm afraid i had tried to restart our friendship for reasons that were partially selfish. i don't think my initial rationalization was in any way self-centered; i wanted to, as an old friend, at least help you become the person you wanted to be. and as you expressed so much enthusiasm, i really caught on. once i caught on, i'm afraid i got stuck. inevitably, your charm made me want to be closer and closer to you. i was drawn by how much intimacy you allowed me. you offered such a high level of affection and commitment at such a high frequency, as my need for you heightened to a swelling point. i think there were multiple swelling points. and for every crest, fell a trough. and for every trough, rose a crest. and my emotions became so inextricably tied to my phone calls with you... i wandered away from myself. and the decisions i needed to make for myself. i have strayed, and i am the one to blame. i longed for you while i was longing for someone else. i am making a decision to stop myself right here, while i can still untangle the string of feelings that led me this far. i care a lot about you, and that is all i can say. i think we need to rethink our intentions. and i am worried that i want too much. i am full.

track and field

brooke waggoner- hush if you must
daniel lanois- sonho dourado
blink 182- always
brand new- jesus
lcd soundsystem- all my friends
vampire weekend- walcott
santo and johnny- sleep walk
the postal service- recycled air
au revoir simone- the disco song
gary glitter- rock and roll (part 2)
kanye west- flashing lights
electric light orchestra- telephone line
jets to brazil- sweet avenue
sufjan stevens- hark! the herald angels sing!
the knife- heartbeat
simon and garfunkel- my little town
boxcar racer- there is
saves the day- jodie

plane and simple

i'm in terminal 5. that's slang for crazy future flight area in jfk international airport that jetblue built.

in my free time here, i actually finished revising a paper. who knew i could ever have the capacity to do that? capacity is a big buzz word in my life nowadays as you could definitely imagine. it's too bad there are no verbs relating to capacity. i'm not too sure if capable is its adjective. but i guess as it is, as a noun, capacity is perfect...

i'm full, really. and for a very long time, i've been full. i haven't become bloated, and i haven't popped, but i feel like i'm touching my outer limits. when i get the chance to think about it enough, i am very satisfied with how extended i am. it's a lot like having incredible metabolism. and not being fat. and eating a lot of food.

speaking of food, in that picture i was eating vegetable teriyaki from one of terminal 5's food terminals. seriously, this place is so advanced, it doesn't even have restaurants.

among my other waiting in airport highlights was the extensive use of david cook and blink 182 on the airport's radio station. that and the prolonged "float on blackbird" melody i had stuck in my head--which by the way, was used correctly in my response to harrison's status. i can't tell exactly what you meant by "no no no!" but i quoted the beatles' version accurately. it actually precedes your quote by about 5 seconds i think.

think about it.

cloudy

You know that song "There Is" that I played before we went to sleep a while back-- it continues to haunt me. Even in the middle of the day. I'm so sunk into this sofa and computer, that I'm worried I'll not come out for the rest of the day until it's dark. I missed school again and I kind of need something to escape the prospect of completely losing the next several hours. I'm going to be alone for a while. Have you sent that cd yet? I will soon, I just want to be on the same page. I hope you are well.

seedless grapes

i just did an in depth analysis of our walltowall. not really, i just noticed that we sent more links in the last 2 months than we did in all other months combined, or something. our walltowall in 2007 was much more dynamic i'd say. it also showed me the limits of our relationship. to some extent, i had no idea we had been friends (i almost said been together) for fewer than 2 years. to put this in some perspective, though not the most apt, i have been "together" with danielle for three years today. in fact, it is our actual anniversary. 11/11. oh my, have you ever heard konstantine by something corporate? can you? if not, it could really work on your mix cd if you let me put it on it.

i'm painfully sorry i wasn't there to pick up the cphone when you called. i know hockey games are important, and i kind of missed my chance to have a real talk about that. my mom and raffi and norris also called a few times, so i've been missing several calls not just yours. also, as much as i tried to repress this knowledge, i found out that my econ test is on thursday. i still desperately and lovingly need your help.

desperate love probably isn't good. but i could care less what's good or not if i get an eighty on this econ test.

[]

Your playlist is almost over. It's not about to end but I just mean that its tracks are ready to be finalized. Your missed call was in regards to [hmm you just called me]. I'm glad pee is part of your vocabulary. I guess I don't need to explain anything in writing since I'm about to speak with you.

Except, I saw this and had an urge to finish.

1 business grammar seminars
16 conference calls

8 NYT
9 NPR

4 LSU Tigers
13 Fantasy Sports

5 Michael Phelps
12 Barack Obama


3 TB Rays
14 Usher

6 Saves the Day
11 Brand New

7 Synchronized Swimming
10 Figure Skating

2 Steeplechase
15 Biathlon

A lot of thought was put into this. Next round will come soon! I am talking to you on Skype. This is a bad entry but better entries will follow.

columbia

i just miss you.
here are some pictures of this weekend.

see you there

hey, i've got nothing to do today but smile.

Auburn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe_rPBDFjxM
i believe in me. do you believe in me?

this past weekend, i lived in the hallway of a church office in auburn, alabama. the girls slept with the other girls at lauren's apartment. the guy we drove with, gustavo, and i slept two nights in the empty office building of journey church. i had a mattress pad and a sleeping bag and instead of sleeping with the other guys in the main room, i chose to stay in the hallway, so i could rest alone without the awareness of snoring and shuffling. in that hallway, while everyone was sleeping, i watched the above video and then i watched the second half of lsu-auburn on espn360. this was the night of the game. i had thrown my voice away in jordan-hare stadium. there were so many people. and i was back to this cramped hallway so very alone and a throat so sore it couldn't power my vocal chords. then i thought about the game and fell asleep.
i don't know very much what happened to myself while i was in auburn, but it very much changed me. seeing a city being filled to its brim with sports was somewhat disgusting, but altogether very remarkable. it was a tragedy to see the city overflow past the brim only to fall and spill out entirely. i am still spilling out, and i can't think of anything else. it's a lot like the dark knight. these moments of entertainment driven by such deeper meaning have so much strength, and i am just overpowered. this whole weekend was in passive voice. i did nothing. i did nothing but i am so insanely different. three feelings: walking up the steps of jordan-hare stadium was like ascending into heaven. gustavo told us that when he woke up in the middle of the night, he saw that one of the guys we stayed with had a gun lying next to his bag and it made sense. i once prayed to god for lsu to score, during the game i found myself praying to god for lsu to only learn in their hearts how to score. i omitted a lot, especially on the side of detail, but the point is that i have no idea.

Sporty Spice

To the untrained eye, my summer has been an exercise given to me on how to get past shit. The assortment of conflicts that stuck onto me is still dizzying, and I'm still trying to keep my head on straight, but in so many ways, it's been a blessing. I feel really strong without feeling powerful, which is good for me, and I want to let whoever reads this know that my life is solid and I'm trying to open up channels for resolution and acceptance. I still need other peoples' willingness to work with me, but otherwise the table is set.

In a cruel twist, the summer's wounds and scabs have been the most visible signs of my season. However, right through the endless trail of fights with my friends and my girlfriend and my brother and my mom and my dad and everyone who was important to me, there was a non-sarcastically important revelation in my life-- sports, and my faith in sports, can carry me through... anything...?

The results are clear: I teared up while watching sports that my eyes never dreamed of tearing up about- golf, tennis, gymnastics, swimming, exhibition football games, sports commercials, even fucking ceremonies that just were about sports. I actually participated in fantasy soccer for a few weeks. Reading offseason football rumors filled up vast portions of my day. I started again to peek into bars from the street to check the score of the game. And I liked the Celtics for a few minutes.

Those are tangible moments of my ridiculous sports secret life. To follow sports like this was never expected of me, not even from me. I knew I liked them, I just never knew I needed them. And so friends came and left. Between work and sleep, I fought off my sadness, and willed things to get better. And I watched Wimbledon. And when Nadal won, I cried. Not for anyone else but me, for being witness to spontaneous greatness. And when I found myself pulling for Rocco Mediate to upset Tiger in the U.S. Open, I stared in awe. I cared about golf. Tiger won, and I felt it inside again. He won the 18 hole playoff on one knee and it felt like I could do it. Accomplishment was everything. And so between Garnett's euphoria, Crosby vs Zetterberg, Turkey's Euro miracles, Manny Pacquiao winning his fight, Tiger's arthroscopic knee surgery, the best tennis player ever being dethroned in the best tennis match ever, Brett Favre, China making everything insane, and the rising prospect of the 08-09 college football season, along with the always present blanket of the Mets kind of winning, I realized the overwhelming presence of accomplishment in the world, and in a way, sports and its stunning victories and failures were my fuel to ignite my transformation from weak to strong Paolo all in one season. And sports gave me love and faith in people, which is why this summer was the best summer of my life.

Stay strong.

I'll call you in a few.

this

As far as Phelps, I'm more of a Gold Medal #2 kind of guy.

There are six things that completely amazed me so far...



1. How this made anything possible














2. How Jason Lezak realized he was swimming for so much more than this













3. How beauty overcame strength just this once for Nastia Liukin











4. How Liu Xiang knew that he had to at least try this














5. How Usian Bolt was able to look around before this was over











6. How this answered everything












If you haven't seen all of these, you should. Then again, you probably did.

Butterfly

I came back home just now after a few days in Pennsylvania without TV or the Internet. I'm taking my first few steps getting back in the rhythm of knowing about the rest of the world, outside of my dad and my brother. So for now, I'm freezing up on reading your full-length latest facebook message, because all I can really inhale is Michael Phelps and Nastia Liukin. Brett Favre also debuts tomorrow so I might have to wait for that to happen until I can muster up enough energy to get a response for your message. I truly am putting a lot of energy into this. So you know. I have written dozens of entries into my journal already since I started feeling strange-- all of them aimed at figuring out exactly how I felt about you and what I should do about it. So my mind has been as clear as it can be, and pretty open, and very active. So you know that I don't just watch sports and work all day without you crossing my mind. You cross my mind sometimes more than I can take. And there's a way that I want to relate everything about you to Michael Phelps, but I just can't figure out exactly how to. It exists though. Maybe somehow in that you/he's so good at the fly but not as good in the freestyle. I don't even know if that's true anymore though.

The robot

Hey Jojo, as proof that you change my life, I started a similar blog for my other best friend Harrison Magee, who is in Argentina, and I wrote him the following message. I was too weary to write a whole new entry, but this one is like something that I would write to you any way. You change my life because I never feel close to my friend Harrison, but now that I'm doing this, I do, since I know that he reads it even if he doesn't respond. Don't worry about me running out of original blog material to write you about. I got more. I hope your thesis is well and fresh mozzarella.


"It's sad but I just tried to claim the url "aboutfacebook.blogspot.com" because I wanted to start a blog about Facebook, or at least claim the name as I mulled over whether a blog like that would be a gay thing to do. Fortunately, it was taken already.

How much do you think the Personal Info section matters? I try too hard. But then, I get a compliment from someone who I think is cool (and who probably has a cool Personal Info section too), and then I start thinking that maybe it's worth it. It's my modern-day equal to coming up with new Livejournal interests, which I excitedly memorized until I could get home to type them in. I know that someday this will all embarrass me. This blog especially.

I'm trying out to be Mike tomorrow. Thanks for the Super Mario advice. It actually helped a lot, because I realized that I could research tips on how to be any mascot in the country, not just tips on how to be Mike. I found a bunch of good mascot fights/danceoffs on Youtube. And then I found a 12-part video on how to do the robot. I then found myself peering back constantly to make sure Danielle didn't wake up and see me standing in only underwear at 3 a.m. trying to emulate this gay guy doing the robot.

I've never had such a nerve-wracking audition before. I am trying to think of mental tricks to help me at this audition, and so far "imagine the judges in their underwear" is on it. That and "pretend you're gay." I also have to remember to do the Vanilla Ice dance before anyone else does it. Can you help me come up with more? I'm trying to think of which of our friends would make the best mascot, and maybe trying to emulate them a little bit.

Thanks for listening boo. I don't think you need to start a new blog. You already have that other one that isn't on your profile anymore. You're better off having an amazing time in B.A. and creating lasting memories."

It ended with a chair

I hope your thesis is well and your concert was swell.

Have you seen Juno? It seems so Garden State/Urban Outfitters to have it as one of my favorites. Like something that I feel is golden, but 16-year-old girls love it. But it's one of my favorites.

My other favorites are Requiem for a Dream, Waking Life, Before Sunrise, Party Monster, Friday Night Lights, Lost in Translation, Adaptation, Zoolander, Face Off, Little Miss Sunshine, and Wedding Crashers. What are yours?

I still don't feel like I know a lot about you, or that you know a lot about me. But really, I'm totally okay with it. It makes sense.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WzmQmz9Kdc

Icing

I texted you while I was drunk earlier.

I went to a party and fell asleep while texting other people.

When I got back, I fell asleep with Danielle, and woke up and went online.

I have nine tabs open in Firefox. One is a Yahoo! article about the Rolling Stones and YouTube. One is the Weakerthans' Wikipedia page. One is John K. Samson's Wikipedia page. One is the Wikipedia page on the Icing rule in ice hockey. One is YouTube. One is the Weakerthans' website. One is hulu.com, have you heard of it? I am watching Requiem for a Dream right now, and it is hi-res, and loaded really quickly. One is Facebook, edit profile. And the last one is this blog!

I am excited to finally learn the deal with Icing in hockey, which is similar to being aware
of the Offsides rule in soccer, or the 3-in-the-key rule in basketball. I learned that the little things in life please me the most. And it would be such an easy fact to learn, but I do think that most people get big picture fulfillment. I am more of the type to recall that the best parts of my life involved knowing the answer to Final Jeopardy, or throwing a Sprite bottle into a curbside garbage can from a moving car. Other best parts of my life involved meeting someone with the same birthday as me, eating candy, beating Kerem at racquetball, redeeming arcade tickets for parachute soldiers, and being dared to eat ants and doing it.

My favorite candies to eat are Twizzlers, Twix, Laffy Taffy, Charleston Chew, and Gummi Savers (I think they're called Life Savers Gummies now).

Phlegm

I tried to respond to your blog, but it just felt like I was writing with phlegm. Since I've been sick, I have lost all my confidence in writing, schoolwise and blogwise. I'd like to think that I'm just humbled by your blog for me, and that's why I feel so stupid. I wonder if you were able to see the comment that I deleted. As I try to write this, I just constantly find myself reaching the point where I'm okay with just deleting entire paragraphs and everything I just wrote. Maybe this explains the point I'm at. I feel to weak to write out coherent thoughts, and I hope I can get better.

You mean a lot to me right now. And you've done that while being nowhere near me. It's near impossible for me to really experience a friendship with someone from far away. And I think that's a fact of life for everybody, and hi-tech communications devices just obscures the fact that you can't be close with someone you can't see or touch. I think that somehow your use of the blog broke some sort of barrier, though. Hmm.

And you know what the hardest part now is. Figuring out if this is a blog entry, or a response to your blog. I originally had it as a response, and now I have it as an entry, and I think I'll keep it here, as a journal entry, even though I'm aware that only one person will read it, because I think it looks better in a serif font. This is all so meta, and so layer-filled, I'm concerned that the keeping of this blog will be too incongruous and I will eventually feel like a perfectionist and delete things that don't match up. Don't let me get crazy. I want to keep doing this.