waves

i'm afraid i had tried to restart our friendship for reasons that were partially selfish. i don't think my initial rationalization was in any way self-centered; i wanted to, as an old friend, at least help you become the person you wanted to be. and as you expressed so much enthusiasm, i really caught on. once i caught on, i'm afraid i got stuck. inevitably, your charm made me want to be closer and closer to you. i was drawn by how much intimacy you allowed me. you offered such a high level of affection and commitment at such a high frequency, as my need for you heightened to a swelling point. i think there were multiple swelling points. and for every crest, fell a trough. and for every trough, rose a crest. and my emotions became so inextricably tied to my phone calls with you... i wandered away from myself. and the decisions i needed to make for myself. i have strayed, and i am the one to blame. i longed for you while i was longing for someone else. i am making a decision to stop myself right here, while i can still untangle the string of feelings that led me this far. i care a lot about you, and that is all i can say. i think we need to rethink our intentions. and i am worried that i want too much. i am full.